Monday, March 21, 2011

the what-ifs are coming all in red

Monday night, forty four degrees.

A doubting night. For every blessing a riddle left unsolved. I think I love him, now what? I'm going to Columbia, now how will I pay for it? I've sprained my hip, now how am I supposed to dance?

To add insult to injury, it's Spring. Or, at least, it was. This morning there was snow, and then the piercing tendegreesfromfreezing rain. I stayed home last night with my spasming joint and Jack went out to dance. He said stay, but I was on the train by midnight, turning tail. I am afraid of losing him, yet I'm almost sure I will. There is a surplus of uncertainty. An ocean, three months distance—and what if this injury doesn't heal?

I get the feeling every time I thaw, and send my crocus spears to look for light, that there is always going to be another snow. This is my overdeveloped sense of dread.

It's hard to think so much in I when the world is such a bloody mess. Haiti, Libya, Japan. Love falling apart around me, people losing jobs. We all keep carving out our shelves behind the waterfall, I would just like to see some damn waterproofing.

And not just on my shelf, but on yours.


Kathleen said...

Do NOT turn this into a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you turn tail too many times, he's going to start interpreting that as your not wanting to be with HIM. Which would be fine if it were true, but if it isn't... you know. Don't worry too much. You're wonderful and he knows it. you should stay if you want to.
Also, hope you feel better soon!

Anonymous said...

How about the what is's -- you're going to Columbia, you love him, you're not in Japan or Libya.

Bathwater said...

You can't dwell on your fears, even though you should trust your instincts you either should enjoy the moment or cut the cord.

I say, enjoy the moments.

Anonymous said...

Get over the fear. I'll skip the platitudes but how about all the "there is nothing to fear but fear itself". The more you self loathe into oblivion the more likely you are to have a disaster of an outcome.